


If Scandal Is To Your Taste, Dolores

by bexypants



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie - Muriel Spark
Genre: Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Crossover, F/M, Jean Brodie AU, Maggie Smith Role Crossover?, Umbridge Bashing, Women Being Awesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-06
Updated: 2013-07-06
Packaged: 2017-12-17 20:37:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/871726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bexypants/pseuds/bexypants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One of the most famous scenes from The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, Harry Potter style.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Scandal Is To Your Taste, Dolores

**Author's Note:**

> Blame my obsession with Maggie Smith and the fact that I've seen and read TPOMJB far too many times. And even though Minerva McGonagall is not a manipulative fascist like Jean Brodie, they're both strong, badass women and Umbridge is totally Miss Mackay. 
> 
> Originally posted on FFN in September of 2011. I've not proofread it since that posting, so there's bound to be typos/grammatical errors. Maybe one day I'll fix it up, but for now I'm just copying and pasting from the FFN posting!
> 
> The original scene from the film can be found [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OE1v7BW6UKk).

She heard the knock on her classroom door during her fourth year Tranfiguration class. Wandlessly opening it, she turned away from the chalkboard and faced the interruption.

"Minerva!"

"Professor Flitwick?"

"Minerva – " he said, obviously distraught, "Professor McGonagall." He corrected himself, looking over the students in the class. "It's Professor Umbridge. I've just left her, I don't know what to do..." he babbled. With an exasperated look, she placed her hand on his shoulder.

"Professor Flitwick, did you wish to speak to me about something?" she inquired with a cool voice, pushing him out of the classroom and closing the door behind them.

"What  _can_  you be up to, Filius? Such display in front of the children!" She was irate; how dare he come into her classroom, make a ruckus and call her by her Christian name in front of the students?

"I tell you, it's Professor Umbridge! She dismissed my class! She's found something terrible, something incriminating! She demands to see us both together  _immediately_!" he squeaked.

"I am not accustomed to being summoned immediately, not by anyone," she told him in a proud voice, opening the door and starting to walk back into the classroom.

He called after her, "But Minerva! She sent me to get you; she said now!" She turned around again to face him and closed the door behind her.

"Pull yourself together, Filius. I promise I won't let Professor Umbridge stand you in the corner. Just you wait there a minute," she spoke in a soothing voice, tapping him on the shoulder and finally making her way back into the classroom. She gave an encouraging smile through the glass in the door and returned to her pupils.

"Well, your headmistress, Professor Umbridge, wishes to see me for a few minutes. She has a wee problem she wishes to discuss with me. Now, what subject were we doing?"

"Cross-species Transfiguration, Professor McGonagall," the class answered.

"Yes, now, open your textbooks. While I am away from the room we'll all read the chapter on the insect-to-mammal transformation." She walked to the front of the room and back whilst saying this, and eventually came back to the door. "Sit quietly in your seats."

She walked into the hallway and took Professor Flitwick by the arm. Leading him towards the Headmistress's office, they made their journey in silence.

* * *

"Professor McGonagall, do you know what this is?" Umbridge said, holding up a faded piece of parchment.

"It would appear to be a piece of parchment with writing on it, in black ink," Minerva responded with a raised eyebrow.

"It is, in fact, a letter," the toad-faced woman said with a smug grin. "It was found by Madam Pince in a library book. She glanced at it but after the first sentence she dared not actually read it! She brought it instantly to me."

"Yes, is it addressed to you?"

"No, Minerva. It is addressed to Professor Flitwick, but it is signed by  _you_ ," she said satisfactorily. "I shall begin."

"Oh, please do," said Minerva with a curious expression on her face that had rubbed off on her words. She couldn't hide her interest in whatever this – this  _letter_  – expressed, that was apparently from her point of view. Taking a seat in the plush pink armchair across from Dolores's desk she motioned for her to begin.

"Of course I realize it is a forgery. It is the work of a child," she cleared her throat and began. " _My dear, delightful Filius. Your letter has moved me deeply as you may imagine. But, alas, I must ever decline to be Mrs. Flitwick. My reasons are two-fold. I am dedicated to my students, and there is another in my life. He is Albus Dumbledore._ "

Umbridge paused here and looked at the wonder-struck faces before her. Minerva's eyebrows had risen to the top of her head at the last sentence, as Filus's jaw had dropped. Gratification disfiguring her already unattractive face, Dolores continued.

" _Intimacy has never taken place with him, as he is my superior and that would be unprofessional. We are not lovers but we know the truth. However, I was proud of giving myself to you when you came and took me in the Forbidden Forest among the centaurs. If I am in a certain condition, I shall place the infant in the care of a worthy wizard and his wife. I may permit misconduct to occur again from time to time as an outlet... because I am in my prime. We can also have many a breezy day flying our broomsticks over the sea. We must keep a sharp lookout for Dolores Umbridge, however, as she is rather narrow which arises from an ignorance of culture. I love to hear you singing, 'Double Trouble', but were I to receive a proposal of marriage tomorrow from the Minster for Magic, I would decline it. Allow me, in conclusion, to congratulate you warmly on your sexual intercourse, as well as your singing. With fondest joy, Minerva McGonagall._ "

Umbridge placed her chin on her hands, elbows resting on the desk.

"Is this what your pupils, your set, has learned under your auspices, Minerva?"

Minerva took the letter to examine for herself.

"It is a literary collaboration, two separate hands are involved. One of the authors slants his or her tail consonants in an unorthodox manner, and the other does not. Also, the parchment seems somewhat aged," Minerva said in a disinterested tone. She handed back the letter to Dolores.

Flabbergasted, Dolores picked her jaw up from its dropped position and continued with her argument, "Is that all you have to say?"

"What else is there to say? Two little children at the age of budding sexual fantasy have concocted a romance for themselves. They've chosen me as a romantic symbol. Is that so surprising?"

"Do you deny that you encourage these fantasies, as you call them? Do you deny that you lead these poor children into the most fevered conclusions? Not only is Professor Flitwick, but Professor Dumbledore is brought into the circle of fire. Albus Dumbledore! Who is by far your senior, and not to mention your superior, well,  _previous_ superior. Though it does raise questions on how you got to be in the position you are now in, Deputy Headmistress and Dumbledore's replacement all those years ago... That is beside the point – it is diabolic that infants should be knowledgeable –"

"Fourteen year old students are not infants, Dolores." Minerva was said as she started to get frustrated. The things Dolores was implying...

"How do you know they're fourteen years old?"

"From the handwriting, the vocabulary, the rudimentary knowledge of the facts of life. Oh, surely you cannot believe that that is the work of eleven year olds?"

"I could believe it was the work of  _your_  eleven year olds, Minerva."

"There's very little for me to say,  _Professor Umbridge,_  in the face of your extraordinary prejudice and hostility." She got up from her chair and started towards the door.

"Professor McGonagall, I am not asking you to say anything." Minerva turned around to face the Toad. "I am asking – demanding – that you put your signature, your  _own_ signature on a letter of resignation which I have prepared for you." Lifting her wand she summoned Filch to her office, bearing the already prepared letter. Walking in and out instantly, he dared not make eye contact with the formidable witch against whom he was helping to remove from Hogwarts. Upon his leaving, Minerva looked from Filius to Dolores.

"I will not resign," she said, her voice ice cold.

"You will not resign, you will force me to dismiss you?"

"I will not resign and you will not dismiss me, Dolores. You will not use the excuse of that pathetic, that  _humorous_  document to blackmail me! Professor Flitwick, you are a witness to this. Dolores Umbridge has made totally unsupported accusations against my name and yours. If she has one authentic shred of evidence, just  _one_ , let her bring it forth! Otherwise, if one more word of this outrageous calumny reaches my ears, I shall sue! I shall take Dolores to the Wizengamot, and I shall sue the trustees of Hogwarts if they support her. I will not stand quietly by and allow myself to be crucified by a woman whose fetid frustration has overcome her judgment!  _If scandal is to your taste, Dolores, I shall give you a feast!_ "

"Minerva!" shouted Dolores.

"I am a teacher! I am a teacher, first, last, always!" Minerva cried, slamming her thin hands on the desk with an echoing sound. "Do you imagine that for one instant I will let that be taken from me without a fight? I have dedicated,  _sacrificed_  my life to this profession. And I will not stand by like an inky little slacker and watch you rob me of it. And for what? For what reason? For  _jealousy_! Because I have the gift of my students' loyalty. It is true I may be a strong influence on them; I'm proud of it! I'd like to think I influence them and teach them of honor, of courage and loyalty! I do not, Dolores, influence them to look for slime where it does not exist! I am going; when my class convenes my pupils will find me composed and prepared to instruct them on Vanishing spells. And on Sunday, I will spend my day in Hogsmeade with Professor Flitwick. We are accustomed, bachelor and spinster, to spend our Sundays together in the Three Broomsticks or quill shopping. And in the pursuit of music, Professor Flitwick is teaching me to conduct the student chorus! Good day, Dolores!"

She slammed the door and left Dolores and Filius alone in the office, stunned. A minute passed before Dolores cleared her throat and addressed the other professor.

"Er – Professor Flitwick, I am sure I need not suggest to you that we keep the details of Professor McGonagall's little... tantrum to ourselves." The false sweetness in her voice seemed to have returned, after its brief respite during her attack on Minerva.

"Yes –" Filius started to reply.

"I've no doubt that you, as well as I have her interests at heart."

"Well, I –"

"Thank you, Professor. No doubt you have other duties to attend to."

"Oh, yes, Headmistress. Thank you, thank you very much Professor Umbridge."

He turned around to leave the office, and upon his exit he made his way toward Minerva's office. No doubt she'd need someone to talk to after that meeting with the Toad. And the accusations made against her – how dare Dolores even imply such things? In all her years in the Ministry and as a teacher Minerva had been nothing but professional; Dolores's ideas that she had gotten to her position in an improper way, and the delusion that she could force  _the_  Minerva McGonagall to resign with that sad excuse for a letter – Filius could barely contain the rage he felt. No matter what it took he, and the rest of the staff of Hogwarts, would oust Dolores Umbridge from the school and reinstate Albus Dumbledore.

And as he lay awake that night after bringing Minerva to the hospital wing after being hit with four Stunners he knew that soon he would make good on that promise.


End file.
